I'm struggling with this one a lot. It's been floating around in my head for a while now. I go back and forth about what to include and what not to include. How to present the thoughts and perhaps take a little of the subjectivity out of it.

But what it really boils down to is that I have all this emotion built up inside and I just don't know what to do with it. I know that sounds silly because really, the more emotion, the better and more abundant the writing. Right now though, it all seems blocked. It seems like its too much. It's all moving too fast and happening all the time.

Maybe that's it. In the end, there is all this emotion and all the causes are on-going. So how do I stop and take an assessment when I'm right in the thick of it? I'm reflective, not nowflective - or whatever.

I feel immersed in overwhelmingly emotional situations and I'm wondering if there is just so much going on, that I'll continue to be able to "manage" the situation. It's like Mr. Burns in the Simpsons, he has all diseases and therefore none. They hang in a precarious balance, all trying to get out at once, that none of them can, or do. But how long does that last? What's the tipping point? What shakes it up and causes the avalanche?

Yikes. That's a scary thought. Maybe I'm already not doing a good job. Maybe the avalanche has happened and I'm in some delirious state of low oxygen and have no idea because I'm seconds away from dying. Is my life flashing before me? I don't know. Maybe it is. I did just go through my teen years' worth of mind-fucked "poetry" and writing. Sigh.

All I really want to do is talk about all of this. Dump it out on the floor like jax and sort through the rubble. But every time I get close to putting it out there, it feels fake. The emotion feels diminished. I anticipate a great flop and as the words come out of my mouth - in my imaginary scenario - it all sounds so flippant and dramatic and somehow worthless.

Ugh. Why is this not working.

...and then there it was

I've been thinking of this composition notebook that I used to write everything in, for a while now. It's pretty old and as I creep toward another birthday, I thought it only appropriate to reminisce and perhaps make myself feel a little bit older.

Half my life ago, this is what spilled out of my brain.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I sit in a room
full of my shit, and I look around. That is that, and this is this
so who am I
All heard before, all done the same
Trying to change my life to what I want
it to be
From the past to the present and on
to the future
Fighting hard to keep in the tears.

I smelled that smell from that time before
And I saw your face
and your eyes searching mine

A clear blue sky as it starts to rain
and all I did was spin around.

Now can you ever forgive me for how
I acted the night before. I meant
the things I said but I wish I hadn't
said them all the same.

I opened up my mind for all to see
but no one looked and then I felt sad
Blankly guessing who am I
Compared to you. A simple question
I am, searching for a complicated answer.

- rsf -

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Excuse:

Everything is seemed
in an uncontrollable
way & I can no
longer stay the
way you want me
to be. Just like
nothing matters,
I'm in love with
you.

- rsf -