I'm struggling with this one a lot. It's been floating around in my head for a while now. I go back and forth about what to include and what not to include. How to present the thoughts and perhaps take a little of the subjectivity out of it.
But what it really boils down to is that I have all this emotion built up inside and I just don't know what to do with it. I know that sounds silly because really, the more emotion, the better and more abundant the writing. Right now though, it all seems blocked. It seems like its too much. It's all moving too fast and happening all the time.
Maybe that's it. In the end, there is all this emotion and all the causes are on-going. So how do I stop and take an assessment when I'm right in the thick of it? I'm reflective, not nowflective - or whatever.
I feel immersed in overwhelmingly emotional situations and I'm wondering if there is just so much going on, that I'll continue to be able to "manage" the situation. It's like Mr. Burns in the Simpsons, he has all diseases and therefore none. They hang in a precarious balance, all trying to get out at once, that none of them can, or do. But how long does that last? What's the tipping point? What shakes it up and causes the avalanche?
Yikes. That's a scary thought. Maybe I'm already not doing a good job. Maybe the avalanche has happened and I'm in some delirious state of low oxygen and have no idea because I'm seconds away from dying. Is my life flashing before me? I don't know. Maybe it is. I did just go through my teen years' worth of mind-fucked "poetry" and writing. Sigh.
All I really want to do is talk about all of this. Dump it out on the floor like jax and sort through the rubble. But every time I get close to putting it out there, it feels fake. The emotion feels diminished. I anticipate a great flop and as the words come out of my mouth - in my imaginary scenario - it all sounds so flippant and dramatic and somehow worthless.
Ugh. Why is this not working.
Friday, December 9, 2011
...and then there it was
I've been thinking of this composition notebook that I used to write everything in, for a while now. It's pretty old and as I creep toward another birthday, I thought it only appropriate to reminisce and perhaps make myself feel a little bit older.
Half my life ago, this is what spilled out of my brain.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I sit in a room
full of my shit, and I look around. That is that, and this is this
so who am I
All heard before, all done the same
Trying to change my life to what I want
it to be
From the past to the present and on
to the future
Fighting hard to keep in the tears.
I smelled that smell from that time before
And I saw your face
and your eyes searching mine
A clear blue sky as it starts to rain
and all I did was spin around.
Now can you ever forgive me for how
I acted the night before. I meant
the things I said but I wish I hadn't
said them all the same.
I opened up my mind for all to see
but no one looked and then I felt sad
Blankly guessing who am I
Compared to you. A simple question
I am, searching for a complicated answer.
- rsf -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Excuse:
Everything is seemed
in an uncontrollable
way & I can no
longer stay the
way you want me
to be. Just like
nothing matters,
I'm in love with
you.
- rsf -
Half my life ago, this is what spilled out of my brain.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I sit in a room
full of my shit, and I look around. That is that, and this is this
so who am I
All heard before, all done the same
Trying to change my life to what I want
it to be
From the past to the present and on
to the future
Fighting hard to keep in the tears.
I smelled that smell from that time before
And I saw your face
and your eyes searching mine
A clear blue sky as it starts to rain
and all I did was spin around.
Now can you ever forgive me for how
I acted the night before. I meant
the things I said but I wish I hadn't
said them all the same.
I opened up my mind for all to see
but no one looked and then I felt sad
Blankly guessing who am I
Compared to you. A simple question
I am, searching for a complicated answer.
- rsf -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Excuse:
Everything is seemed
in an uncontrollable
way & I can no
longer stay the
way you want me
to be. Just like
nothing matters,
I'm in love with
you.
- rsf -
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Stream of hyper-consciousness
the feeling today is odd and contemplative. i am having anxiety. again. it's been coming and going, oddly, lately. different than a long time. I have a spider bite on my arm that is essentially gone - from a month ago, it feels like - but it still itches. I scratch it every morning. No hives have developed but it feels like stress. like anxiety. I don't know if I'm dealing with anything well. I am not breaking down or freaking out or crying at work. I have started to hate my job. No. Not hate. feel weird about. Dia de los muertos came and went. I spend time talking with friends about OWS movement and that is so exciting I don't know what to do with it. I wonder about the ones we've lost. The battles. The friends. The family. The ones just gone to another world - the ones that have moved on to other different things. Do we pass in the night like two ships? If I see the port light, should I yield? this world of ours is so beautiful and amazing. I speak with trust and confidence. I feel better about myself than I have in a really long time. and I feel lost, weird. strange and disconnected. it's the same feeling every time i'm here. every time i'm...
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Fear
"Afraid" is one of those words that has a meaning that outweighs its use. The sense of 'fear', of being 'afraid' are in most cases just words that people use in a context of everyday. The ultimate meanings diminished by overuse and misunderstanding.
Like, "I was afraid I'd miss the bus." In the grand scheme of things, I'm not sure that missing the bus really garners - or deserves - a sense of fear.
But I think this is o.k. I think that using big words for little meanings can be acceptable. Especially in this case, with this word - this sentiment. Because if you think about fear, if you think about what fear really is, what being afraid feels like, it's not pretty.
It's this sinking feeling in your gut that makes you want to wretch. It's a nagging in the back of your mind that doesn't go away, no matter how suggestively optimistic the voice in your head is. Being afraid is when that voice of reason has no voice; when tears well in your eyes, due to the omniscient sense of doom. The ache in your heart pings and you lose sight of where the fear ends and sadness overwhelms. Logic is lost and up is down. When you feel like no matter what happens, what steps you take, a terrible fate waits just around the corner and there is absolutely nothing you can do.
Fear is more than a shitty feeling, it goes beyond words and is an oppressive feeling of loss, love, doom, shame and uncertainty all bundled in to one.
And so, if using the word in the every day diminishes that feeling in any way; or is played down by the over use, then really, maybe that is more than o.k. If the worst thing in a day is the fear of being late to work, maybe, I'll try to be late for work.
Like, "I was afraid I'd miss the bus." In the grand scheme of things, I'm not sure that missing the bus really garners - or deserves - a sense of fear.
But I think this is o.k. I think that using big words for little meanings can be acceptable. Especially in this case, with this word - this sentiment. Because if you think about fear, if you think about what fear really is, what being afraid feels like, it's not pretty.
It's this sinking feeling in your gut that makes you want to wretch. It's a nagging in the back of your mind that doesn't go away, no matter how suggestively optimistic the voice in your head is. Being afraid is when that voice of reason has no voice; when tears well in your eyes, due to the omniscient sense of doom. The ache in your heart pings and you lose sight of where the fear ends and sadness overwhelms. Logic is lost and up is down. When you feel like no matter what happens, what steps you take, a terrible fate waits just around the corner and there is absolutely nothing you can do.
Fear is more than a shitty feeling, it goes beyond words and is an oppressive feeling of loss, love, doom, shame and uncertainty all bundled in to one.
And so, if using the word in the every day diminishes that feeling in any way; or is played down by the over use, then really, maybe that is more than o.k. If the worst thing in a day is the fear of being late to work, maybe, I'll try to be late for work.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Greengage Plum Jam
After some debate, it was determined that our "weird Cherry tree" was actually a plum tree. After some more debate, lots of Googling and picture looking, we have guessed that the plums are indeed Greengage plums (or some close relative of).
Once it was determined that there were too many plums to possibly eat and/or give away, the hubby and I decided to jam and wine them. I took the jam, he took the wine.
It's disappointing what you won't find on the internet about jam recipes for Greengage plums. I found one recurring recipe that looked ok but not too creative. I also looked at several "regular" plum jam recipes and didn't feel comfortable translating them since the flavors are so different between plum types. Anyway, I sort of followed the one recipe (listed as the original) - sort of = tripled it - and then modified significantly the second time around (spicy version).
Spicy Plum Jam
5-6 hours | 4 - half pint jars
2 Jalapeno peppers*
3 lbs Greengage plums (weight after pitted. use good mix of super ripe and mostly ripe and everything in between)
1 lb sugar
1 lemon
pinch pectin (optional)
*I used 1 jalapeno and 1 other mildly spicy pepper like a jalapeno, that smelled like it had a good flavor. You can basically use whatever hot pepper you like best.
1. First thing to do is wash and pit the plums. It's best to pit over the pot you'll be making the jam in to capture all the juices. I tried keeping some pits in and skimming them off during the boiling process (as indicated in some recipes) and this proved a headache. Just get rid of all the pits in the beginning.
2. Mix the sugar and juice of the one lemon in with the plums. Cover with wax/parchment paper and let sit for an hour. (Honestly, I have no idea what this is for. This step may very well be eliminated without repercussion but since I don't know, I keep doing it.)
3. Bring mixture to boil, then reduce heat and let simmer.
4. Add the pinch of pectin (Add more than a pinch if you want it to be really thick, otherwise, it's fine with a pinch or even without. The plum skins do have enough to manage without this ingredient. I happened to use some just because it was laying around from the wine-making)
5. Add the peppers. I added the spice slowly. To do this, I separated the pepper from the seeds, then sliced up the pepper in small chunks. (It's also a good idea to taste the pepper to know the heat beforehand). As the plum jam was reducing, I kept tasting and adding more pepper, then eventually the seeds until the jam had the heat I wanted.
6. Remove pepper pieces, then jar. The reduction process took about 3-4 hours (or 5 episodes of "Hoarders") before I was comfortable with the thickness. You can do less or more time, it's really up to you.
For canning, I began to boil my jars about 20 mins before I was ready to pull the jam. Then I filled the jars, being careful to wipe all jam off the edges before placing the lids on. Then I boil the full jars (with 1 inch water over the tops) for 15 mins before pulling them out and letting them cool.
The spice is a great compliment to this sweet jam. I significantly reduced the amount of sugar called for because it seems the fruit has enough good sweetness on its own and I didn't want the fruit flavor to be overwhelmed by the sugary sweetness. I'm looking forward to pairing this spicy jam with some yummy stinky cheese!
Original Recipe
2 lbs Greengage plums (weight is with pits)
1 lb sugar (or 1/2 of plum weight)
2 tblsp lemon juice
1 vanilla bean
1. Pit plums
2. Add sugar and lemon juice. Cover with parchment paper and set aside for 1 hour
3. Bring mixture to boil, then simmer.
4. Add the vanilla bean. Open and scrape all insides into mixture. Put skin in too.
5. Reduce until thick*, then jar (remove vanilla bean skin)
*I read a "testing" method that includes plates and freezers. It didn't seem to work so well with this jam. There was no real "hold" or shape to the jam. I basically just let it reduce down to about 1/3 of the original amount. You can kind of guess by putting a little bit on a plate and letting it cool, naturally. If it thickens up and is molasses like, then it's probably good enough. I noticed it thickens more after sitting a day and even more after that if kept in the fridge.
The Original Recipe I tripled upon first go round and it netted 8 - half pint jars. I didn't weigh the plums because at the time I didn't have a scale. I guessed based on volume of the plums with the pits. My general opinion is that the jam is good but that A) it's a bit on the sweet side (though the skins just about candy in the jam which is pretty delicious); and B) it's a bit lemony. You'll note in the spicy recipe above, I reduced both sugar and lemon content. I also left out the vanilla completely - both because I wasn't sure how it'd be with the spice and also because it's really expensive! I was happy with the outcome.
Next up on the canning front will be Figs! Maybe plum wine will reported on as well. In the meantime, wield your mighty spoon, take charge and eat well.
Once it was determined that there were too many plums to possibly eat and/or give away, the hubby and I decided to jam and wine them. I took the jam, he took the wine.
It's disappointing what you won't find on the internet about jam recipes for Greengage plums. I found one recurring recipe that looked ok but not too creative. I also looked at several "regular" plum jam recipes and didn't feel comfortable translating them since the flavors are so different between plum types. Anyway, I sort of followed the one recipe (listed as the original) - sort of = tripled it - and then modified significantly the second time around (spicy version).
Spicy Plum Jam
5-6 hours | 4 - half pint jars
2 Jalapeno peppers*
3 lbs Greengage plums (weight after pitted. use good mix of super ripe and mostly ripe and everything in between)
1 lb sugar
1 lemon
pinch pectin (optional)
*I used 1 jalapeno and 1 other mildly spicy pepper like a jalapeno, that smelled like it had a good flavor. You can basically use whatever hot pepper you like best.
1. First thing to do is wash and pit the plums. It's best to pit over the pot you'll be making the jam in to capture all the juices. I tried keeping some pits in and skimming them off during the boiling process (as indicated in some recipes) and this proved a headache. Just get rid of all the pits in the beginning.
2. Mix the sugar and juice of the one lemon in with the plums. Cover with wax/parchment paper and let sit for an hour. (Honestly, I have no idea what this is for. This step may very well be eliminated without repercussion but since I don't know, I keep doing it.)
3. Bring mixture to boil, then reduce heat and let simmer.
4. Add the pinch of pectin (Add more than a pinch if you want it to be really thick, otherwise, it's fine with a pinch or even without. The plum skins do have enough to manage without this ingredient. I happened to use some just because it was laying around from the wine-making)
5. Add the peppers. I added the spice slowly. To do this, I separated the pepper from the seeds, then sliced up the pepper in small chunks. (It's also a good idea to taste the pepper to know the heat beforehand). As the plum jam was reducing, I kept tasting and adding more pepper, then eventually the seeds until the jam had the heat I wanted.
6. Remove pepper pieces, then jar. The reduction process took about 3-4 hours (or 5 episodes of "Hoarders") before I was comfortable with the thickness. You can do less or more time, it's really up to you.
For canning, I began to boil my jars about 20 mins before I was ready to pull the jam. Then I filled the jars, being careful to wipe all jam off the edges before placing the lids on. Then I boil the full jars (with 1 inch water over the tops) for 15 mins before pulling them out and letting them cool.
The spice is a great compliment to this sweet jam. I significantly reduced the amount of sugar called for because it seems the fruit has enough good sweetness on its own and I didn't want the fruit flavor to be overwhelmed by the sugary sweetness. I'm looking forward to pairing this spicy jam with some yummy stinky cheese!
Original Recipe
2 lbs Greengage plums (weight is with pits)
1 lb sugar (or 1/2 of plum weight)
2 tblsp lemon juice
1 vanilla bean
1. Pit plums
2. Add sugar and lemon juice. Cover with parchment paper and set aside for 1 hour
3. Bring mixture to boil, then simmer.
4. Add the vanilla bean. Open and scrape all insides into mixture. Put skin in too.
5. Reduce until thick*, then jar (remove vanilla bean skin)
*I read a "testing" method that includes plates and freezers. It didn't seem to work so well with this jam. There was no real "hold" or shape to the jam. I basically just let it reduce down to about 1/3 of the original amount. You can kind of guess by putting a little bit on a plate and letting it cool, naturally. If it thickens up and is molasses like, then it's probably good enough. I noticed it thickens more after sitting a day and even more after that if kept in the fridge.
The Original Recipe I tripled upon first go round and it netted 8 - half pint jars. I didn't weigh the plums because at the time I didn't have a scale. I guessed based on volume of the plums with the pits. My general opinion is that the jam is good but that A) it's a bit on the sweet side (though the skins just about candy in the jam which is pretty delicious); and B) it's a bit lemony. You'll note in the spicy recipe above, I reduced both sugar and lemon content. I also left out the vanilla completely - both because I wasn't sure how it'd be with the spice and also because it's really expensive! I was happy with the outcome.
Next up on the canning front will be Figs! Maybe plum wine will reported on as well. In the meantime, wield your mighty spoon, take charge and eat well.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Time Flies
Holy crap! Where the hell did 2010 go? Granted, my persistence and consistency around writing has never been stellar but a whole year without writing! Wow. And now look, it's almost half way through 2011 and I'm just getting off (on?) my lazy ass to do a bit of typity, type, type. Clickity-clack a whack a key.
So...where were we? If only I knew. Hence the pitfalls of not documenting aspects of your life - if you're me - you forget. Hmphf. Well, as mom always said, "No use crying over spilled milk." Not that I'm crying. Yet. Sigh, ok. Chin up, ladypants.
I've noticed that being a Product Manager, working toward releases, always having an eye on the calendar makes for lickity-split time whooshing. I think this is especially the case in the last year. The last year (approximately - regardless of whether it feels like two years), I've been working in an "agile" development environment.
For non-TechHeads, an analogy is slalom skiing. You know, the weird type of skiing that fucks up your knees because you're going over all these bumps every foot or two for an entire mountain side. Yeah. That. But in the workplace.
Specifically, for me, it means that we work towards a two week release of a product. That's every two weeks some product or feature hits the site. This may seem like a long time in between releases, but believe me, it's not. With all the shit that has to happen in between those two releases, it's not a lot of time at all.
Just think about your life chopped up into two week blocks. It's short sighted and regardless of what barriers I put up between my work life and my 'me-life', the chunks persist. I'm always thinking in terms of the next release and therefore always thinking in two week blocks. And to hit the deadline, the formula becomes "by X day, get Y done". Rinse. Lather. Repeat. You rarely enjoy a day for being a day. You hardly experience outside stimuli to break the mold, it's just work, work, work. Task, task, task.
Even in the best case when you come up for air and do some good old Quarterly Planning you're still putting time into a "chunk". Then before you know it, twelve months have skipped on by and you've got no posts to show for it. Le sigh.
Well, here's to overcoming obstacles and slowing down time. Here's to un-chunking 'me-life' and writing up a storm.
Cheers, my dears!
So...where were we? If only I knew. Hence the pitfalls of not documenting aspects of your life - if you're me - you forget. Hmphf. Well, as mom always said, "No use crying over spilled milk." Not that I'm crying. Yet. Sigh, ok. Chin up, ladypants.
I've noticed that being a Product Manager, working toward releases, always having an eye on the calendar makes for lickity-split time whooshing. I think this is especially the case in the last year. The last year (approximately - regardless of whether it feels like two years), I've been working in an "agile" development environment.
For non-TechHeads, an analogy is slalom skiing. You know, the weird type of skiing that fucks up your knees because you're going over all these bumps every foot or two for an entire mountain side. Yeah. That. But in the workplace.
Specifically, for me, it means that we work towards a two week release of a product. That's every two weeks some product or feature hits the site. This may seem like a long time in between releases, but believe me, it's not. With all the shit that has to happen in between those two releases, it's not a lot of time at all.
Just think about your life chopped up into two week blocks. It's short sighted and regardless of what barriers I put up between my work life and my 'me-life', the chunks persist. I'm always thinking in terms of the next release and therefore always thinking in two week blocks. And to hit the deadline, the formula becomes "by X day, get Y done". Rinse. Lather. Repeat. You rarely enjoy a day for being a day. You hardly experience outside stimuli to break the mold, it's just work, work, work. Task, task, task.
Even in the best case when you come up for air and do some good old Quarterly Planning you're still putting time into a "chunk". Then before you know it, twelve months have skipped on by and you've got no posts to show for it. Le sigh.
Well, here's to overcoming obstacles and slowing down time. Here's to un-chunking 'me-life' and writing up a storm.
Cheers, my dears!
In one ear...
I have a good friend who has been, for all intents and purposes, encouraging me for some time to write more.
I'm not sure where the idea came from but apparently, not all things that go in one ear, necessarily come out the other.
To you, dear sir, a thought or two.
I'm not sure where the idea came from but apparently, not all things that go in one ear, necessarily come out the other.
To you, dear sir, a thought or two.
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