I have have may friends who are in need of AA. Friends who could use the guidance of NA and little bit of sobriety all around.
I have sat with friends and laid with friend over nights of detox and it is not fun. Ha. That's the understatement of the year. I feel. I have a faith. It's not the faith, but it's a faith.
I would in most cases give anything for a certain friend or two to acknowledge and then supersede their weakness as it pertains to drugs and/or alcohol.
Which makes HER such a bizarre case.
Come a woman who is beautiful and wonderful, all at the same time, all on her own. Then comes one day when this wonderful woman decides to be sober. Sure. No big deal. We're all the same. But all the sudden we're not. It's not. They're not. And then...what?
Sober ideas and sober friends. 90 meetings in 90 days and no time for anything but losing weight. I don't want to be the duldrum, i don't want to be the drunk. I don't wan to be the anything and yet here I am trying to figure it out and all I can think is why? Why am I trying to figure out who the fuck I am, who the fuck she is, who the fuck he is, relative to her sobriety?
Why do I feel bad? Why do I want to be that thin? Why do I want to think that it makes sense when I really feel like it doesn't at all. But who am I to decide that it does or doesn't make sense at all?
When it all comes together like a cupcake in a pan, I realize that it's just going to be what it is and that I don't have a say in it at all. Much like life in general, I feel like a passenger on a train looking at the graffiti, waiting for the next stop which might actually be mine.
I'm lost and I'm sad
I'm heroic and I'd mad
I'm over the righteousness and
ready for the glad
I have no idea how to reconcile my feelings of knowing that sobriety has been in all cases previous the way to go and now, all the sudden, may not be what I would want to happen at all. Am I evil?
Then, on the other hand, I have a friend whom I'm losing because she decided to go sober. This is a first for me.
I almost don't know what to do or how. I feel lost and angry. I didn't want to feel angry, but I'm pretty sure I do. I know for a fact I feel sad.
